Thank you Ms. Rhea! You recognize the necessity of more recess for children, and you took a risk. Hopefully more Texas schools will follow suit. Way to go Eagle Mountain Elementary School and Fort Worth! Way…to…go!!!
Paradoxically Perfect
As a Christian, “He is Risen!” is one of my favorite phrases taken from scripture. In some of my darkest times, it has helped me to not only remember who Christ is (and all the power that entails within and without my situation), but also who I am IN Christ.
In Matthew 28:6, Matthew recounts the angel who caused an earthquake and who rolled away the stone to the entrance to the tomb, and who gently stated these words to comfort the women there to anoint Jesus’s body with spices, “He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay” (KJV).
This same angel then tells the women, “And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you.”
What a great comfort for Christians from those three little words…He Is Risen!
But, as an English teacher, they have grammatically baffled me. Let me break down why….
“Is” is the present tense of the “be” verb when conjugated. It means “a present state of being”–which is the present tense or happening currently. “Risen” is the past participle of rise.
What does past participle mean in the English language? The past participle is the form a verb takes when combined with the auxiliary (or helping) verb “have” to form the perfect tense. When combined this way, the auxiliary verb helps determine the present, past, or future perfect tense of the verb.
In other words, to say Jesus “has risen” means an action that began in the past and is happening concurrently with another past action (present perfect), ie Jesus has risen from the grave and Christians have based their joy on that occurrence! Or, stating Jesus “had risen” from the grave means an action was completed when another past action began (past perfect), ie Jesus had risen when Mary approached the tomb. Or finally, stating Jesus “will have risen” means a future action or condition that will have ended before another begins (future perfect), ie Jesus will have risen when future Christians profess their faith in him.
Got all that?
So in actuality, stating the words “He is risen” is conceivably not only physically and spiritually an impossibility, but also a grammatical impossibility as well.
…yet, the angel says, “He is risen.”
He IS risen.
As stated, “is” means a present, right now, state of being, and risen is an irregular participle needing a helping verb to define its grammatical state–to determine what form of “perfect” it is.
Therein lies the paradox.
But, that’s also so God. He will never allow himself to truly be defined by any human constraints. The resurrection happened, but Jesus is.
Jesus IS risen because his body wasn’t the only part of the equation. Jesus’s resurrection was the absolute act of love whereby an infinite spirit became contained in a finite vessel for 33 years in order to not only know about, but to know intimately the experiences of his creation in order to defeat the ultimate obstacle of our faith–death–by dying on a cross. Jesus’s body WAS raised, but his spirit IS, his omnipotence IS, his omnipresence IS.
Jesus IS risen because he right now, today, is above all of our greatest fears, above all of our deepest needs, above all of our greatest enemies, and while being above all else is simultaneously WITHIN us to be, as the Psalmist says in Psalm 46, “our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (KJV).
He is what we need, when we need, at the time of our need, while we need.
The writer of Hebrews says it best in verse 8, “Jesus Christ the same, yesterday, today, and forever” (KJV).
So rejoice! Rejoice, I say…rejoice!
It isn’t a typo, a grammatical error, or a spiritual implausibility. He…Is…Risen is a truth upon which you can have hope and the assurance of your faith.
Christ is paradoxically perfect. Trust him.
Happy Good Friday! 🙂
#MeToo
The following is from week long posts I did on Facebook last week to bring awareness to the #MeToo secrets women carry. The stories and experiences are uniquely mine, but I am in no way unique. I was told I should put them in my blog. So I did.
Day 1
I was on my strawberry huffy. Oh how I loved that bike. I would ride everywhere in my neighborhood. Once, I was going to visit two of my good friends.
I saw the group of boys outside playing and almost went the back way to my friends’ house. But, I recognized some of them as my friends from school, so I went against my gut, and decided to ride past them.
My “friends” from school yelled, “Hey!” and ran to meet me. Their friends ran over as well. There were about 7 or 8 boys. They grabbed my bike and started touching me everywhere–inside my shirt, on my crotch, and one yelled out, “Gimme some pussy!”
As they were pulling me off my bike, I said, “My friend and his parents are waiting for me. They’ll come looking for me, but I promise I’ll give you some when I come home if you let me go.” The boys recognized my friend’s name, so they let me go. But, one
grabbed my shirt and pulled me close to him and said, “You’d better give us some when you come back.”
I cried all the way to my friend’s house.
…I remember my friend’s mother telling me she thought I’d better go home as it was getting late. I stayed longer than I should have, but I thought if I stayed and played long the boys would have gone inside. They hadn’t.
They all yelled, “Here she comes!” I braced myself and then pedaled as fast as I could, thinking, “I’m going to run at least one over.” They stood in the street to block me or to make me fall off my bike. I didn’t care about the group, I was determined to just hit whichever one was in my way. One was brave enough to play chicken.
He lost.
I knocked him over with my bike, the others chased me as fast as they could…but, I was faster.
I was 9. #metoo
Day 2
We were excited to go to the Halloween dance. He was going to take us and my dad and step-mom were cool with that because 1) they knew him as he had dated my eldest sister, and 2) he was our next door neighbor.
He knocked on the door to see if we were ready to go. My sisters weren’t ready, but I was. So, I went outside to hang until they were ready.
I asked him if he liked my 50’s outfit and if I looked like the 50’s…like “Happy Days.” Out of nowhere, he grabbed me, pushed me against the hard brick wall, pressed himself roughly against me, held my hands behind my back with one hand, and held my face with the other then began kissing me. He forced me to open my mouth and “french kissed” me so roughly I thought my tongue was going to come out of my mouth. I could taste the alcohol in his mouth.
He finally let me go. I ran in the house shocked, betrayed, and disgusted. My sisters yelled for me to come on as they were now ready to go. I didn’t say a word about what happened.
He kept looking at me in the rear view mirror the whole drive over to the party. My sisters got out together and ran to the door to see if the facility hosting the party was open. I stayed in the car.
He asked me if I liked the kiss.
I was 12. #metoo
Day 3
I hadn’t been working there long, but he caught my eye. I smiled. He smiled…and that’s how it all started. It was a telemarketing position, and he would always come to me first to close the sale even if someone made a sale before me.He was my supervisor.
Finally, he asked me out. I enjoyed his company, and he enjoyed mine. We “hooked up” after a few dates, and I wasn’t impressed (you know what I mean ladies). I started to slowly pull away from him (not taking his calls, not wanting to go out). Plus, I was pledging a sorority and just didn’t have time to make time for him. I let him know we weren’t going to work out.
He pursued me…relentlessly. Then, when he FINALLY realized we weren’t going to be a couple, he made my life HELL at work. I was in college and needed the job to pay my rent and my tuition, so I endured.
He no longer came to me to close the sale (which made me lose bonuses). He would say my performance was poor and even called me into an office grabbed me, shook me, and screamed at me so loudly, HIS supervisor had to intervene.
My grades began to suffer, I was stressed and felt trapped (plus, did I mention I was pledging a sorority?)
Not knowing what to do because I needed my job, I finally broke down and called my dad. He asked me why I thought this guy was targeting me. I was soooo embarrassed to confess to my dad that I had slept with the guy, and he still wanted to be with me.
My dad reminded me of my worth, told me to set up a meeting with his supervisor to let him know I was being harassed, and to call him back after that if it continued so HE could meet him. Ha! Daddy also told me the world wouldn’t end, but this was a lesson to never sleep with your supervisor or never mix your “honey with your money” (and THAT embarrassed me even more). LOL
He and his supervisor were buddies, so nothing happened to him even after I filed a report. I ended up quitting, but found a better job, so it worked out.
I was 18. #metoo
Day 4
Because we were roommates and would often go to church together when I moved to Indianapolis, my cousin and I had a rule. If we met someone at church we were interested in while we were worshipping together, we had to introduce the other immediately as “MY COUSIN,” so the person of interest wouldn’t think we were a couple.
After church, he came up and talked to my cousin. I could tell he was feelin’ me because he kept sneaking a glance my way while they talked. My cousin forgot “the rule,” so I introduced myself as his cousin to make things easier for the guy. I could tell he was relieved…He contacted my cousin that night to get in touch with me.
He was a nice guy. I felt the sparks right there in the sanctuary, but because I had been celibate for three years and was focused on delving deeper into my relationship with Christ, those carnal “sparks” indicated to me I should run and resist! But, he was fine and he made me laugh (I’m a sinner saved by grace. ?)
We ended up dating for a while. What I didn’t know when I met him was he was a recovering crack addict. So, I became his drug…and he became mine. Our physical addiction was so strong that when I finally “came to my spiritual senses” and realized our relationship wasn’t God’s best for me (so much so that once I literally stayed in my room and held onto my bedposts to keep from going to the door while he begged me to let him in–that was too much y’all).
He understood when I told him we needed to stop seeing one another. And we stayed cool, often still seeing one another at church or around.
But, one night, I stopped by his place to get some of my things I had left. We had dinner and laughed and talked. I told him goodbye and he asked me for a “goodbye kiss.” I told him I didn’t think, knowing our history, that that was a good idea…but I did it anyway. That one kiss transformed him into someone I didn’t know and he roughly refused to let me leave.
When he finally let me leave, he tearfully apologized and asked me if I could ever forgive him.
Funny thing is, until my good friend told me, I didn’t think “rape” applied to my situation because we had once been intimate.
I was 27. #metoo
Day 5
I moved to Indianapolis to teach and to go to grad school…and because The Lord propelled me to go. I knew when it was time to go, and I knew when it was time to come back home. 
When I returned home to Texas, I took a job at an urban high school and determined I would complete my master’s degree. I was so excited to teach there because of its legacy. I was tough on my students and I pushed them–mostly to disprove the voices many of them heard from family, teachers, and even the voices in their own head that they couldn’t excel.
One thing that bothered me was the sexual pervasiveness I noticed in the school. The way some of the girls dressed, the way some of the men responded to those girls, the way the boys responded the girls, and the way some of the men responded to me. I just could not believe they thought it ok.
So, because I truly believe that wherever I am is where God needs me to be, I knew I needed to be the difference.
I was receiving unwanted, inappropriate advances on all fronts. I ignored it for a minute, but when I addressed it, I addressed it head on.
One security guard in particular commented to me…every…time…I…passed…by. Mostly it was just the two of us in the hall at the time. I had to hear, “Hey now! Here she comes with that pretty paper bag skin!” or “Um, um! You sholl wearin’ those pants Miss Hudson!” or “I know some man can’t wait to marry you and have that all to himself!”…every dang day!
I also had to contend with it in the classroom. I had one student in particular who leaned back in his desk, looked me up and down, and licked his lips at me everyday like he was undressing me with his eyes…every…single…day! This particular student was about 6’4 and, based on his actions, had grown women respond to his advances as he thought them appropriate with me.
I’m a “nip it in the bud the first time or expect more of the same” kinda girl, but I was new and learning the cultural of the school, so I ignored that mess longer than I should have, and it was stressful.
One day, one of my students heard the security guard say his foolishness to me when I walked by and then complimented me on the attention I was getting. I stopped him right there and explained to him inappropriate attention in a work environment was NOT praiseworthy! I then told him to come with me.
I went with him straight to the security guard and tactfully but firmly told the security guard that he had the young boys in the school thinking it appropriate to speak to women that way. And, if he ever opened his mouth to speak inappropriately to me again, especially in front of students, he would no longer have a job. He needed to be better…if not for himself, for the young men he was in charge of.
He and the young man were dumbfounded.
Next it was my student’s turn. In class, I called him into the hall. On the way out of the classroom, he did his little wanna be cool stride like we were going out into the hall to make out. I closed the door and apologized to him (which TOTALLY threw him). I told him I apologize for all the women who looked at who he was on the outside and treated him, a young boy, as if he were a man. I told him licking his lips and checking me out may have made other women he encountered giggle, but it did absolutely nothing for me as my self-esteem was intact, and he needed from that second on to sit up straight in his desk and respond to me as his teacher. And, if he did anything other than come into my class prepared and ready to learn from the second we walked back into the class on, he would no longer be in my class!
He stared at me in shock…then entered my class as a student from then on.
After that, I began to hear that I was “different” and I noticed my male students would come during their lunch or when they had free time and just hang out. They would sit and read or come as a group and talk to one another during my planning period while I graded papers or ate my lunch. I prayed for whatever burdens they carried where they felt my classroom was a safe haven, and I knew why The Lord had me there.
Then out of nowhere, a teacher asked me if I was sleeping with some of my students.
I was horrified then saddened that those poor kids couldn’t be kids anywhere! Shocked, I told the teacher that it said more about her that she could think that than anything it could ever say about me.
I later asked my students about the rumor and apologized to them that something so horrible could be spoken. They told me, “Oh, yes Miss. People who think that way, mostly adults, can’t understand that you’re not that way, and that students could just genuinely like and respect you. But, those who know you know the truth, and we didn’t think you needed to hear that stuff, so we didn’t tell you.”
I was 30. #metoo
Day 6
He began with small compliments here and there. “You have such a peace surrounding you” (or something to that effect) and “You look nice today.”
The compliments and the long stares came
more and more frequently and he even started jokingly calling my boys HIS sons.
It got on my nerves. But, once again, I didn’t say anything directly, but began not making eye contact and half speaking/laughing whenever the boys and I were in the shop.
I loved my barber, so I didn’t want to change shops, and I thought the guy would get the hint (of course they never do). Plus, I knew his type. If I was direct, he wouldn’t take it well, and I didn’t feel like talking to or explainin’ nothin’ to some dude who couldn’t get the hint anyway. So, I asked my friend (his boss and owner of the shop) to talk to him about easing up on the flirting with clients.
Apparently, my friend must have told him it was specifically me because his naive solution was to pretend I no longer existed–as if to punish me for speaking up. You know the type–not speaking when I say hello to the group, no longer looking my way or acknowledging I exist. ?
Initially, the foolishness angered me because I get so annoyed with men who believe YOU should feel honored by their advances and then become angry if you aren’t. But, I got my wish of him chillin’ with all that, so I was good.
That was over 4.5 years ago. He still doesn’t speak.
I was 43. #metoo
Day 7 – Completion
So, why such candor? When #MeToo began to trend, I was just as shocked as some of you with not only the women who hashtagged (yep, that’s a verb now), but also the NUMBER of women who hashtagged.
Then, I began to read friends and strangers saying they were initially afraid to even use the hashtag because some people still didn’t know, they were embarrassed, and they were ashamed.
I also began to read negative commentary on why famous actresses waited so long to speak up on Harvey Weinstein and also commentary along the lines of, “Her too?”
So, because I’m a Christian, a writer, and known for my smile, I have the advantage of 1) knowing I’m forgiven, meaning I’ve long ago released all shame 2) being the voice for the voiceless 3) recognizing people only see what they see but often have no clue of your being an overcomer because, well, you have a beautiful smile.
So I shared.
I did NOT share:
1) Because it was cathartic–yes, my experiences helped mold me, but they did not define me. I’ve always been an overcomer and have long since emotionally and spiritually overcome my pain and shame. So, I’m good y’all. Really I am.
2) Because I wanted to bash men. I love men. I have some great men in my life and always have. My dad, cousins, friends, uncles, brother-in-law, and awesome boyfriends who treated me like a princess were always around to let me know those idiots were the exception, not the rule. Those were snapshots of a few men in my past. And, to be honest, that ain’t even half of some of my experiences.
Why add pictures?
If you noticed, I shared an experience from each decade of my life. I also added a picture from that same timeframe to show my smile continued, my life continued, and I still achieved my goals. I shared things no one knew–not my family and not even some of my closest friends. Women just deal. We just keep it moving. We keep smiling.
My experiences are uniquely mine, but I’m not unique. EVERY woman has a secret shame stored away or a secret story she’s never shared. I guarantee it!
I hope in some BIG way my sharing can cause a young girl or woman to know it wasn’t your fault, you will get through it and live the life God prepared in advance for you to live, you have NO reason to feel/carry shame from this day forward, you ARE valued and valuable, and you are beautiful simply…because…you exist.
I also hope my sharing will help men who didn’t know now know that every look, shout out, unwanted and incessant critique, touch, belittling comment you think is a compliment, forced sexual encounter, and yes stare…chips away at the essence of a girl or woman to make her begin to believe she’s not a whole, beautiful, complex and marvelous being, but pieces and parts…but, forgive yourself if you’ve ever done that in the past if you’ve grown. And pray for the girls or women from your past that you’ve ever knowingly or unknowingly, individually or collectively affected.
Ladies, you don’t have to share as I have. A journal will do. But, please vocalize and release. I love the conversations that have begun. The boldness women everywhere are now embracing to share their story. I’ve even heard from some people I never thought could have experienced, let alone could have overcome such trauma.
I applaud you. You are and have always been worthy.
~Melanie #metoo
8 FREE Summertime Activities Around Dallas, TX!
So school is out and you think, “What am I gonna do with my kiddos?!!” And, your next thought is, “That won’t break the bank!”
If you’re like me, you want fun and free activities! You would be surprised at how many activities are happening around town that are fun and FREE! Yep, you read that correctly, FREE! And, many are right under your nose!
I’ll start you off with 8 (which really could last you all summer ? )!
1. Vacation Bible School (VBS)
VBS is a faith based adventure for children usually up to 6th grade. Children learn about The Bible while also doing crafts, making friends, and just enjoying being a kid! Many even have events for moms so they can enjoy their freedom…fellowship while the children play!
Check your area church for participation. And, you can also check my calendar of events for many happening south of the Trinity River!
2. Libraries
Libraries must have like summer bootcamp or something for their staff in gearing up for summertime activities! The librarians are always on point with the activities and events for kid engagement at every age!
They usually have their calendar for June, July, and August mapped out! In addition, all libraries have a summer reading program which gets the kids excited about reading with all the cool stuff they can get just for being a reader!
3. Splash Parks
I LOVE splash parks! Whomever came up with them should be given a summertime medal of honor or something! Here are a few to try in case you have no clue where to begin!
Klyde Warren Park
Oak Hills and WJ Thomas SplashParks
Hillside Village Splash Park
4. Parks
Parks are awesome! My boys and I are like park bandits! We find one, slip in, have fun, then we’re out! Ha! Fun AND nature exploration? What’s not to love!
There are a gazillion great parks in the Dallas Area, but here are a few of our favs!
Klyde Warren Park
Getzendaner Memorial Park
Armstrong Park
Harrington Park
Hope Park
5. Self-Guided Tours
This one is my favorite. Why? Because any place is tour worthy! Pack up lunches and the kiddos and take a tour of downtown. Too far? Take a tour of your neighborhood and make a game of shape identification with the houses or see how many neat items you all can collect or discover. Or, take a landmarks tour! There’s really no limit to what you can discover!
6. Dallas Farmers Market
Dallas Farmers Market has always been a place where local farmers can sell their goods, but it’s now so much more! With The Shed and Market Shops, there’s great food and fun for the whole family!
7. The Dallas Arts District
There’s so much to pay and do in The Dallas Arts District, but just taking a FREE walking tour through the district plaza is a treat! The buildings are beautiful, there’s always something going on, and the kiddos will love the tour too! And, trust me. You HAVE to visit the reflecting pool in front of the Winspear Opera House!
8. Mckinney Avenue Trolley
Nestled in downtown Dallas off Mckinney Avenue is one of Dallas’s best kept secrets…The Mckinney Avenue Trolley! You can see the sights and sounds of Dallas on an old-time trolley all for FREE! Get off at a few stops and make a day of it!
So, there you have it folks. 8 fun, FREE activities to get your summer started! Enjoy!
Entrusted With Their Hearts
I love this picture of my boys. This picture is a sneak shot of one of the many times I have stared at them while they do normal everyday activities. I stare at them while they sleep. I stare at them while they laugh and talk to each other. I stare at them while they read. I stare at them while they play. I stare at them amazed that I am not just their mom, but A MOM! I mean, have I really been given the task of rearing these little people into men?!
Honestly, I think I really stare because sometimes the magnitude of motherhood dawns on me, and I get intimidated! Today, Mother’s Day, is generally when it hits me the hardest. Mothers and mother figures are honored, appreciated, and celebrated for the pivotal role we have in our children’s lives on this day. And, like most of my deceptive thoughts that spin out of control, they usually begin with joy…then digress rapidly from there.
Isn’t that crazy? The goal is that thoughts linger in joy, bathe in joy, and just kinda hang out in joy. Mine begin there then start to move away from joy into the abyss of hyperbolic folly!
So beautiful thoughts of how proud I am of my boys, and how God has covered me in wisdom with rearing my boys, slowly began their descent into the “What if I’m not…?!!!” “What if I don’t…?!” cesspool.
But, as I turned my mind from fear into the peace of faith and began to read God’s word today, I realized several things…those things that I fear because of my role in my boys’ lives, are actually those areas in which I should rejoice because God trusts me. And, one of those areas is their hearts.
I thought about the heart and the role of a mother with that sacred vessel. Our connection to our child’s heart really begins in the womb. The child we carry in our womb is lulled to sleep, moves about, and even grows to the music of our heartbeat for 9+ months. Then, once they are born, being close to us while they nurse or eat and then sleeping across our chest, they are continually comforted by the beating of our heart. And what’s even more beautiful, is that even for mommies who adopt, their babies adapt to the rhythm of their new mom’s heartbeat because of the continual embrace and closeness they provide.
But, it doesn’t stop there. As our children grow, they love to cuddle and be next to the music of the heart they’ve known all their lives.
But it still doesn’t stop there. Because our children have grown up close to our heart, we in turn have the power to affect their hearts as they grow into adulthood. It amazes me how many kings in the Bible behaved a certain way because of their mothers. Either their mother influenced them to be better, or they influenced them to be wicked. But, there was always influence. Grown men!
I am convinced daddies influence purpose, direction, and plans for a child’s life (the mind), but mommies influence beliefs, compassion, and passion (the heart).
It’s a big job. It’s an important job! And, yes, it’s an intimidating job. But, we have been equipped, mommies. We have everything we need ALREADY to do this awesome job God has called us to.
So, remembering this, I began my mental ascent back to joy to continue appreciating today–Mother’s Day! Our special day where mommies and mommy figures everywhere are recognized and valued for everything we are to our children and/or the children we influence, flaws and all, as the keeper of their hearts.
God’s Timing…It really is perfect!
Let me tell you something. God’s timing is really perfect. Like for real.
I am truly amazed at how I will do something and realize my whole purpose for going in that direction was because a purposeful God was directing my path like he said he would!
Case in point. I woke up early this morning. As I lay there, I decided to check my email before the boys got up. I got an email notification from our library about an overdue book. Right then and there because I had a little extra time, I decided to go ahead and gather up all our library books to take them back even if we had 99 re-checks left (this new wonderful system of automatic checkout is so not good for us procrastinators!).
As I was searching for books, I went into my “teacher’s stash” of lesson plans, assignments, and curriculum books that I hope to eventually use with the boys. I noticed a book on teaching writing that I had forgotten I had, and picked it up thinking, “Hm, this may come in handy as I work on the boys’ writing skills this week.”
Well, I finished gathering up all the books and put them in neat little piles to have the boys bag up and take back to the library. I still had some time before I awakened the boys to begin our day, so I decided to skim through the writing book while I had my breakfast and continued my quiet time.
This book..this book that had been nestled in curriculum books in my office, which I happened upon, which I decided to skim through while eating my breakfast, a book on teaching writing God’s way for young children, spoke directly to me on several topics I had been in prayer about yesterday!! Here were some of the phrases: “I know you may be feeling…” (I was feeling that way.) “You may also be wondering…” (I was truly wondering those things)… “Remember, you are God’s fingertips, you are God’s mouthpiece, so don’t feel like…(I was feeling like it told me not to feel)…”I am in tears right now as I write this because God has you right here right now reading these words that he had me write for you”…(read this while I was in tears and in shock)…
That verbiage speaking directly to me, my needs, my feelings, my prayers, my angst, my doubts, my self-condemnation, went on for like three paragraphs where it was if God and I were having a private conversation. Needless to say, at that point I was bawling, like boo-hoo Viola Davis characters bawling!
Then I did something that I don’t even know why I did. I flipped forward to the copyright page and noticed the date was 1997…20 years prior. Ironically, as this book was on writing, this particular author decided to also address the homeschool moms reading it on God’s timing and his purpose in writing. She had written about perfect timing to moms and to A mom specifically in 1997, a year when I was single and carefree living in a new city I had just moved to and enjoying life. Her writing this book then
would speak to a me 20 years later, single again, but in a very different season of rearing children, homeschooling, and re-determining my path…and she had no idea.
But, God had me in mind. He had me in mind when he led her to write the book 20 years ago. He had me in mind when he led me to purchase the book in a thrift store I just happened upon. He had me in mind today when I woke up early and again happened upon that same book, which ministered to my spirit MIGHTILY!
So, just be encouraged as you go about your day today. Whether you are in a good place in your life right now, desperate and torn with having to make a decision or having to figure something out, or whether you are in tears because you just cannot figure out for the life of you what to make for dinner tonight…God is in the minutiae. And, he has made provisions for you since the beginning of time. Yes, even in the midst of your current turmoil, God has worked it out. You are that important to him.
He sees you. He hears you. He understands you. He feels your heart. He loves you–intimately, passionately, fiercely.
Trust him.
Marriage + Divorce = Wisdom
Maybe it’s because today would have been our 12 year anniversary.
Maybe it’s because I have had friends and strangers here lately ask me if I will (or want to) marry again.
Maybe it’s because people who are struggling in their marriage believe I am somehow the guru on divorce since I am divorced, and they want me to make a decision for them that only they can make.
I’m really not sure.
BUT, right here, right now, I felt compelled to write on the wisdom I’ve gleaned in the five years since my divorce about marriage and divorce. I’ll just touch on my top 5.
NUMBER 1 – Divorce sucks!
Anyone who tells you it doesn’t is a liar. Don’t get me wrong. Getting out of an unhealthy relationship may be the best thing for all parties involved, but the actual going through the motions of divorce sucks! From the separating lives, to the separating hearts, to the changing of your name and going down to the Social Security office to do it (have you seen those lines??!!), to the re-learning of who you once were before your marriage and the becoming of who you now are…it’s all tough and tiring. Add children in the mix and the trauma they’re experiencing, and it’s all just a big ripping up of the life you had into small pieces, gathered up, smoothed out and taped back together into a new picture with many of the same, yet unrecognizable elements.
NUMBER 2 – Marriage is beautiful!
For all those reading who keep asking me how I feel about marriage and if I think I’ll marry again, move in closer…you ready?…I love marriage! Yep, I said it. I love the concept, covenant, and closeness of marriage. I’m a firm believer that a marriage between two adults committed to the sanctity of God’s covenantal foundation, and who are willing to truly put in the work necessary for becoming one in all ways, is a beautiful thing. However, if both are not committed, that beautiful thing then becomes a treacherous burden which becomes heavier and heavier to the lone person trying to salvage the relationship where his or her only recourse is to either remove the load or be crushed by it.
Will I do it again? Not sure. God is working on my trust issues. Not my trust in another person, my trust in myself. I don’t fully trust just yet that I will see the second time around what I missed the first time around. Ironically, I’d never had a bad relationship until my marriage. I’d always had great boyfriends! Always! So, I just wasn’t expecting what I experienced.
And, I’m ok with being a work in progress. I’m in a new season that even I haven’t fully grasped. I won’t naively date for sex (my 20’s) or date to determine who my husband and father of my children will be (my 30’s), the next go round will simply be to love and be loved. Period. There’s no rush.
NUMBER 3 – No one has a perfect marriage!
Perfection is the playground of fools. Once you remember that, you will no longer seek to hang out there. Marriage is a covenant between imperfect people exemplifying God’s love in all that they say and do. Marriage is a wonderful ministry which blesses not only the congregation (husband, wife, children) but also the community in which it thrives (those outside looking in). I remember during our pre-marital counseling, the minister had my ex-husband and I spend a lot of time evaluating our expectations. I now realize the only expectation anyone should bring to a marriage is the expectation of imperfection coupled with a heart of forgiveness and a mindset of solidarity.
NUMBER 4 – If your marriage is struggling, no one has the answers you need.
Pretty disheartening, I know. And, I guess if you followed that advice you also wouldn’t need to keep reading. Ha! So, let me clarify. What I discovered in talking to friends, counselors, and family members when I was depressed and distraught and trying to fight for a marriage with someone who was not willing to go to battle with me either through counseling, communication, or just plain consideration for what was going on, was that no one had the answers for my situation. Everyone had answers, mind you! But, those answers were coming from their own experiences or their own perceptions–neither of which provided an accurate analysis of what was happening in MY life. You see, I was living with a person whose private persona was in direct contrast to his public persona.
All “advice” to me was from well-meaning people who neither knew about, saw, nor experienced what I did inside my home, and who had only been privy to the public persona much like I had been before marriage.
So, don’t ask people for advice. Prayer to an all-knowing God provides wisdom. And he will answer you in the most unexpected ways. My darkest hour, in a car, in front of a restaurant, late at night with me crying profusely and calling out to the Lord, provided the brightest light of clarity from a total stranger, who gently tapped on my window and told me the Lord led her to my car to pray for and with the woman in it.
As I had my glasses off, to this day, I have no idea who that woman was, but I know whose voice was speaking through her to me because she answered the questions I had been calling out to the Lord before her gentle tapping.
NUMBER 5 – There’s peace in decision-making.
As I stated above, no one can make a decision for you but you. But, once you make it, trust the Lord in all things. I lost everything in my marriage. E-VERY-THING! I lost my home, my savings, my car, my identity, my career, my friends, and my sanity. Mind you, I did not lose them in my divorce. I lost them in my marriage. But, once I decided I wanted my children to grow up knowing the me I had always been and not the me I had become in a miserable marriage, there was an inexplicable peace in the final decision to divorce.
But there’s more. I changed my mind. I wasn’t fully sure I personally had done all I could to fight for my marriage. The night before my court date, I was in fervent prayer and Bible study. The Lord spoke to me as clearly as if I had called him on the phone, and told me to follow however my husband leads.
I went to my husband and told him I had been in prayer and was willing to fight for my marriage with him and would cancel the early morning court date if he wanted me to. He told me the Lord didn’t say anything to him. I asked him if he’d been in prayer about it as I had. He said he hadn’t, but that I should just keep the court date. At that moment, I knew I had done all I could.
My decision was divorce. Your decision may be different or the same as mine. However, once you prayerfully decide what is best for you and your children (if you have children) trust in that decision. More importantly, trust in the God who holds all things in his hand, and he will allow the flowers to bloom in your life again in due season.
For they will bloom. They may not be a familiar bouquet, but they will be just as lovely. 🙂
The Parent Test
I love this pic of my son! We were traveling and stopped for a rest break, I saw the rock, and thought it would be a good shot. There’s other shots of him doing silly faces and letting his wonderfully hilarious personality shine through, but this is my favorite because it’s just simply him…being.
I love candid shots of my boys just being themselves because they remind me how blessed I am to be their mother and how much I love them.
But sometimes they test me.
Hudson attempted such a test recently. It didn’t go well for him, but I know sometimes kids will test their limits…and, that’s ok. Testing the limits helps them understand boundaries.
It also helps them understand mommy has a strong resolve too.
Here’s how it went down…
It was bedtime. The boys weren’t really wanting to go to bed, but it was VERY MUCH past their bedtime, and we all know bedtime for them is “me time” for us, right? So, I repeated “it’s time to get in the bed boys” in my “this is your last calm voice command before the crazy comes out” tone, which my 10YO (Jacob) recognizes, but my 7 YO (Hudson) sometimes is not able to translate quickly.
So, Jacob says, “We better get in the bed now, Hudson.” I push them along by stating, “Yeah, mommy let you all stay up way past your bedtime, boys, and I have a ton of work to do.” But, being that he was sleepy and feeling a little more risqué, Hudson replies, “We can stay up because all you’re gonna do is ‘work’ (and yes, he did air quotes) at your computer on Facebook. ”
And thus began the test.
Me: Oh, you think that’s all mommy does? That’s the “work” (and yes, I repeated the air quotes) you think I do when you all get in the bed? Ok, goodnight Jacob. Hudson is going to stay up and do what mommy does so he can fully experience the nothing that mommy does.
Hudson (suddenly panicked and visibly doing a quick think-through of what he’s seen mommy do): Uh, that’s ok, mommy. I believe you. I’ll go to bed.
Me (nah, no turning back now, kid): Nope. You put it out there now. So, when Jacob turns out the lights, you’ll see what happens once you all are in bed.
And, for the next 30 to 45 minutes or so, Hudson cleaned the kitchen (i.e. put the dishes up from the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher, put the food up), took the clothes out of the dryer, folded them, and put clothes in the washer. Now, even though some of these chores are theirs anyway, having your child do them at 11:00 at night really hits home the point of how much you do. I eased up when he dozed off while folding clothes. Ha! That was funny though…
So, after I caught him before he fell off my bed while folding (too funny), I asked him if he understood why he has a bedtime and whether or not he thinks mommy only looks at Facebook…whereby he hugged me and said, “I’m sorry, mommy. I know you do a lot for us.” as I walked/hugged him to bed, tucked him in, and kissed him goodnight.
And, so I passed this test. But, what did my child learn? Well, my goal wasn’t that he see all that I did so he could worship the ground I walk on as his mother (I really did feel kinda bad when he was dozing off, but, as stated, it was so funny. Ha!) My goal was that he understand boundaries are in place not to keep him from doing what he wants, but so he understands I know and want what’s best for HIM!
And, as is always the case in parenting for me, I learned a lesson too about boundaries that night. I learned that a loving God also gives boundaries not to lock us in, but to allow us to recognize the limits of our humanity that we may be more dependent on him! And, just like my son, once we recognize who he is and all he longs to do for us, we can trust him and rest soundly knowing how much he cares for us.
What insight have you received about yourself through parenting? I’d love to know. 🙂
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